“People keep telling me “It’s a really good job, You make good money, why would you ever want to leave that?” She said it, and my stomach turned. This was the second time in two days I had some wonderful brilliant woman tell me how people were shaming her for wanting more from her career than the status quo.
In both situations smart, talented, hard working women with huge passionate hearts were making the world a better place for everyone, and all they wanted was some encouragement to fill their own cup along the way. In this case, my client has spent 5 years in a job she doesn’t want anymore, but is being guilted for wanting something totally new that she might just love, but is not what she went to school for, and it’s not as “safe” as her current job. In another situation, an entrepreneur who has the dreams and the savvy to grow her company to new and greater greats, again being guilted, because she loves her career more than she loves sitting at home watching TV, or going out drinking wine and listening to the local gossip vine.
The trouble is that oftentimes when people say things like, “why would you ever want to leave?” whether it is a relationship that has run its course, or a career field, or a current position we have outgrown, they are really projecting their own fears and apprehensions onto us. What they are really saying is, “I would never have the guts to try for more, so you probably shouldn’t either because if you do, and succeed, I am going to be really uncomfortable with your success so please just settle like I am. Why can’t you just settle, like the rest of us?” Ah, there it is!!!
There are always people who want to talk us into being afraid to try for more, because they are. Here’s the deal, they’re not saying these things to be jerks, they genuinely believe they are caring for you, looking out for your best interests. They think they are trying to protect you… from yourself.
My response to both of these women was simply this, “would they say that to a man?” In both situations this week the answer from these women was a pause, and a lightbulb look in their eyes, and then a resounding “NO!! THEY WOULDN’T!” with a clear look of shock and a “what a bunch of crap!” tone in their voice.
It’s an uncomfortable truth. Without recognizing it, we have different standards for what women should accomplish in their careers, or relationships, than we do men. If a man wants to take a higher position, pursue entrepreneurship, rise to the next level, or even completely change careers, 9 times out of 10 he is not only encouraged, but expected to continue to climb and grow professionally. We praise him for how great he is as he soars.
We have a very different standard for women, and here is the saddest part; the majority of the time the discouragement that comes to women who want “more” for themselves is not from men… but from other women. That’s the part that particularly makes me cringe. Too often it is women belittling, fear talking, and shaming other women for dreaming bigger, and wanting to go further. Maybe it’s a leftover from the days when women were only supposed to take up the space that men gave them permission to take up, but we are not there anymore. The men in many of these situations are totally willing to encourage and support because they know what it’s like to accomplish without shame, or guilt attached to it.
My dear beautiful ladies, STOP. Be mindful of what fears belong to you, and keep them if you wish, but please stop projecting them onto others who want to grow beyond their current state.
To those who are wondering if they really “should” continue to grow, to accomplish, to pursue the next possibility and the next 5 after that, if it fills your heart with joy and excitement then YES!! Go! Do not wait for someone else to agree to your leap of faith, just jump knowing you are the one who packed your parachute. Your bounty, your success, your fulfillment has always been up to you, so take value in it, as you do yourself. It is important, as YOU are important.
Do not drive yourself to accomplish more than you have desire for because someone else thinks you “should,” and equally do not hold yourself back from your dreams because someone thinks you “should.”
Opinions are like butts, we all have one.
Take care of your own.
Forever the journey, Anne