“They should know”. “We’ve been together since high school. I shouldn’t have to tell him when something is wrong”. “She knows what’s wrong if she’s paying any attention”.
Ugh. These words strike pain in my chest every single time I hear them. And, I hear often.
Why do we have expectations of people to know what we want, need, expect in life, or particular situations, when we don’t tell them what our expectations are?
Seriously, stop.
I recently had my own experience with something similar.
I host a small gathering of folks for Solstice on a regular basis. It’s not a work event, I don’t charge for it, the group is small and intimate. This is an opportunity for me to hang out with people of like minds without having to be “on” in a work capacity. I look forward to it, especially from the perspective that I get to be one of the group. Typically we gather, drink some wine, eat lots of good food, talk about anything and everything and then burn some shit in my fire pit as a releasing ceremony. Although this time, the fire didn’t happen. We were talking and laughing and the conversations took their own direction and then in my opinion, suddenly, everyone was up and leaving.
I ended up having a fire when it got dark, by myself, feeling a little confused by the fact that everyone was gone, and it was just getting dark…but that’s ok. I looked for deeper meaning, like since we were going to be moving away, maybe this was Spirit’s way of telling me to get used to it.
Later on, I had several conversations with people who were present about that evening and much to my surprise, well, I was surprised.
Apparently, there were some expectations around conversations and leadership, and the word facilitator was brought up. I was immediately irritated, but stopped, breathed, and took a step back. Here we were in a place of unmet expectations. I didn’t realize there were people who saw me as the facilitator and not just “one of the gang”. I had been clear about this in the past, but as our group had grown and added some new people, the message had apparently gotten lost.
I had multiple conversations with people from our group and tried to hear each one’s perspective in order to a) see if I had gotten lost somewhere in what was happening and b) hear where each person was in their expectations of our group and how we gather.
As we are making our way through this, please understand that while I don’t love conflict, I’m not afraid of it either. I see the gifts in meeting conflict, unmet expectations, and so on. It makes us better, and clearer about ourselves and others. This experience gave me an opportunity to reevaluate who and what I wanted to be amongst some friends going forward. It provides an opportunity for everyone to be clear about what they expect, want, and need from this group and in these situations, be transparent about those things.
Going forward, I feel a sense of optimism and growth. I care deeply for these people, so I’m totally ok meeting these challenges. While I realize not everyone is, I trust that Spirit has a way, and things will continue in a way that fits the greatest alignment of everyone. I know when we greet conflict with a sense of curiosity and wonder about what good can come, it can be a huge growth possibility.
A wise friend of mine often says, “clear, is kind”. It’s so true. When we are open and honest about our expectations of people, a situation, or a relationship, then and only then, can those expectations be met. Otherwise, we’re just guessing and hoping. Maybe we’ll get what we need, and maybe we won’t.
Be clear with yourself and others around you. Know what you expect, and then be willing to share those expectations with others so that they can help create the best possible outcome for everyone.
Forever the journey, Anne