I’ve always been a fairly independent person. Growing up as a strangler, I had lots of time alone, and learned to do things fairly independently.
As an adult working my own practice, as a bodyworker and now as a Psychic Coach, I am very comfortable with doing all the things I need to for myself and my business. Lay on there that I spent a decade as a single Mom and was married to a military reservist who spent plenty of time overseas and it’s fair to understand my liking to work alone.
I don’t mean to complain, but in the past I’ve tried inviting people in to work with me. Some of them have worked ok, most…have not. Many situations of partnership in my work have left me feeling exhausted and under-appreciated as I have been left with the giant share of the work, while others breezed in and wowed the crowd that I put in place for them. After a number of attempts, I just headed out alone.
A while back a friend from high school and I were having coffee. She has a beautiful farm out in the country surrounded by woods, lakes and rolling hills. It is peace-filled and charming. Sacred, is the word I will use. As she and I were chatting over coffee at her kitchen table, she started tossing around the idea of using her farm for healing space. She had mentioned this before so it was easy to flow into visions and ideas of how this space could be used. Before you know it, we’re planning a retreat day! While this sounds super fun (and it was) because we were to be holding this retreat day in one of the farms hoop houses we needed to plan it for fairly soon…so we did in four weeks. Probably dumb, but we’re both pretty inspired and all either of us need is a little encouragement and we’re off. So, we were off!
What was amazing to me was how often I found myself thinking about how I was doing all the work. The marketing, the registration, my email list, blah, blah, blah. Seriously. Blah! My habitual mind was running and whining and running and whining. Until I heard myself inside my head. “What are you doing?!” I thought to myself. “She is busting her butt planning, working, cleaning out a hoop house, working on content, etc. She is doing every bit as much as you are and you know it”. And logically, I did know it. I knew it very clearly. This is a hard working, creative, get it done kind of woman. She kicks ass and takes names. No kidding.
I swear to you this conversation started in my head a thousand times and I honestly don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that. Over and over again about how I was doing “all the work” “how unfair it is because I’m doing (fill in the blank)” “I’m so tired from doing ALL the work” on and on and on. Until I actually got sick of listening to myself. Absolutely, positively sick of listening.
It was incredible to me how committed my ego mind was to the old story! In some weird way I found it impressive how every conversation inside my head ended up with me being the poor hard working girl doing everything and no one else was working as hard as me. I mean if ‘stick to it-ness’ is a thing, then my ego has got that thing down pat. I admire the determination and relentless pursuit that my ego employed. At the same time, that crap had to STOP!
I think we all do it. We all have an old story that our mind perpetuates at every opportunity. Sadly, most often we don’t even notice. Not until our consciousness has the ability to say, “wait just a minute Sister” do we have an opportunity to review, and then do it differently. My commitment to self, and to my friend, was to do it differently. Everytime I touched something, anything that had to do with our retreat, I purposely reminded myself about how nice it was to share the workload. I reminded myself of all the things my friend was doing because of her, I didn’t have to worry about it at all. Everytime my ego mind said, “sure. But will she do it right?” or “yeah sure, until I end up having to show up and save the day when it’s not done” because my ego mind can be a total bitch, I reminded myself who my friend is and what her work ethic is, how successful she’s been and how big her heart and desires are.
I had to be really purposeful about how I gave my mind a new story and gave it in layers upon layers upon layers of information both intellectual and emotional. Layers, I tell you.
Driving out to the retreat that morning, it started again, but more quietly. The pressure was on as today was the day. I reassured my mind that all would be done and on time. I assured myself that everything would unfold beautifully and people would love their time and I would love my new experience of partnership.
And I did.
People came, they stayed, had a great time, and both my co-host and I loved it.
Afterwards we sat in the kitchen and talked about the experience. She was moved by experiencing first hand the healing energy of her land, and I was relaxed all day because I knew I had a great partner next to me. Splitting that work load was freaking amazing! In the end I felt every bit of that amazing.
I thanked her soulfully. I had a new story in place. I had taught myself that I could trust and be supported. That I could support and not be the beast of burden. That together, we could play and have fun.
I talk endlessly about the process and practice of self awareness. Getting to practice my own was both challenging and magical. We really are constantly evolving.
Where in your life can you choose self awareness to an old story? Where are you ready to transmute the old feelings for the new?
I encourage you to practice, practice, practice.
Forever the journey, Anne