The Grace in Falling Down

The Grace in Falling Down

I’ve had plenty of people in my life validate me for being strong; single Mom, self-employed, paid a mortgage on my own for years and still had a great life. I can do things like install hardwood floors, tile a bathroom, sheetrock walls, etc. I got this, or so I thought.

Then, something crazy happened. Not all at once, but gradually over a couple years. I got tired. I’m not talking about “gee, I would love a nap”, I’m talking about waking up and crying because it was morning and even though I slept for 12 hours, I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. I’m talking nodding off on my clients from time to time, because I could literally not stay awake. I went to the Doctor, she told me it was in my head and it was because I was running around too much (I was single and in good shape and happy, it really seemed to piss her off), and then when I persisted, she threw around words like, “fibromyalgia” and “you probably have MS”, and “have you been checked for AIDS”.  You can’t make this shit up. FINALLY, I followed my gut and went to see someone who had a reputation for treating women with hormone dysfunction, and so a new journey began. The proverbial “they” simply referred to it as a metabolic crisis. I still don’t know what that really is, or more importantly, how to reverse it and yes, I’ve tried some of the medical medium stuff, but we work together to create a version of me that I can live with.

What I discovered for myself, is that while I had always depended on my body to “DO”, and accordingly, people around me counted me as worthy. I had no idea how to be validated and feel good about myself for “not being able to”. Through time and trial and error and trying again, my team of healthcare and myself bounced all over the place looking for answers and more complete ways to help me be the me I once was. Its been incredibly frustrating. I deal with chronic fatigue, chronic inflammation, joint pain, brain fog, excessive weight gain, occasional depression, decreased muscle mass and a laundry list of other things I still have to practice loving myself with. I don’t like it…at all…still.

This, “not being able to”, not liking how I look in the mirror, or how foggy minded I am, or lack of desire somedays really gets to me. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie. Staying positive and motivated and believing I’ve got something to offer this world, has become a daily practice. And it’s an important one. the gift in all of this, is that I HAD TO learn to love myself AS I AM! I had to learn to love me even though I’m tired all the time, even though I’m way overweight and can’t lose it, even though I get up and have discomfort every day. I had to learn to follow the advice I had made a living on giving to others.  Well, that’s been humbling. Seriously, its so easy to cheer on others, to see their Diving light, I can’t NOT do that. Seeing those very same things in myself, that was another story all together.

You see, many of us have been told that if we think we’re good the way we are, there is something bad about us. We’re selfish, braggadocios, egotistical. If we accept ourselves the way we are and love ourselves as is, we’re lead to believe we won’t want to do more, to be more, to succeed!  We’ll become complacent.

What if we become content? What if by loving ourselves the way we are we develop a sense of inner freedom, of inner peace, of true acceptance?  OMG, what would happen to our world??!! What if suddenly we all started practicing true self love even when we’re not perfect, or someone, even our own selves’ version of, ideal? People…we might be on to something here.

The day I started healing from metabolic crisis, whatever the heck that is, is the day I started loving myself for who I am, the way that I am. When we love ourselves, truly, honestly, to the point it makes us cry inside from the unconditional of it, is the day we all start to heal. See, we’ve heard of unconditional love, but here’s the rub, the only human being that will ever give that to you, is YOU. You think its’ your spouse, but its not, they have standards, and they should. So should you, for them. There are things you could do that would cause them not love you. You think its your family, its not, same deal. Standards. Expectations. Your kids? Nope. Your friends? Not them either. We are designed to be human, to walk our Soul and Spirit through this human ego, and so it is. The ego has a very clear concept of what IT is, and what is not IT, and anything that is not IT, can potentially threaten IT, and so IT can turn on whatever is not IT. That’s just the way the mind works, no judgment, it just does. So, truly, the only human that can EVER love you unconditionally, is you. The first time I met with the practitioner who guided me on my hormone issues, she was looking at a long list of blood tests I had completed, looked me in the eye and said, “How on earth are you WALKING in here? You should be in a hospital bed somewhere”, I felt validated. I WASN’T NUTS!!! Well, I might be, but I was correct in knowing that what I was experiencing was not okay! It was like she gave me permission to take my own side in the battle (and at that time, it felt like a battle). THANK YOU! I needed that, desperately. Part of the “crisis” was that I was experiencing depression, and I had never had that before, so I really didn’t know what it was. Weird, but true.

The grace of all of this is that not only did I then start to care for and love myself differently than I ever had, it also allowed me to allow Spirit to love me unconditionally as well. too often we don’t even recognize we’re doing it. We treat Spirit, like it has human conditions and standards. We have to be a certain way, or not be a certain way, or if we do certain things Spirit will punish us for it, etc, etc. You guys know this drill. We make Spirit human and thereby begin to give it human criteria. It doesn’t work that way. Remember I said the only human being who will ever love you unconditionally is YOU? Well, Spirit loves each of us unconditionally ALWAYS. We can’t disappoint, or get lazy, or underachieve, or commit something or something, we can’t lose Spirit’s love for us.  No matter what. Ever. I know for some of you that leads to a thousand other questions, but the answer is still the same. We can’t do anything that will make Spirit not love us.  It is truly, honestly unconditional. And if Spirit thinks we’re worth all that, then maybe we can too.

Blessings Galore my dears.

– Anne

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