“I literally told her like 10 percent of what is happening with me, and guess what she says.” My client is talking about a conversation she had with her Mother in regards to a recent well-being retreat involving lovely processes such as deep yoga, clean eating, healing sessions, etc. that she is loving herself through.
There is an old counseling adage that says, “a woman’s job is to unravel the sins of her Mother.” Now, this of course does NOT mean that our Mothers are sinners, it means that as women we tend to push up against our Mothers, their storylines, their belief systems, and their values sometimes as a means of growing, not away from them, but further into ourselves.
“Ok, do tell.” I replied. “What did she say?”
“She said, “oh, so you will probably lose some weight…”
I just don’t even have words.
I could NOT hide the look on my face, and neither could she. The disappointment was real.
Spirit steps in, “She just told you two things,” her Guides said. “1. she told her values, and 2. she told you what she is afraid of.”
We both paused and took that in.
As our conversation went along there were other situations that this incredible perspective applied to and eased her mind and body, and the gist is this– when someone responds to us, they are giving us information about themselves. Their words, their attitudes, their responses and reactions are information about what is 1. important to them and 2. what they are afraid of. These things have ZERO to do with us. As Spirit directed, we are simply a mirror for them to reflect into. We provide a stable background for them to project themselves onto. It’s not good, or bad, it’s just information.
Her Mother’s comment wasn’t about my client, she is an amazingly fit and healthy woman! Her Mother’s response was about herself. It was information about how her Mom knew how to be valued, and fit in in the world, and also where she feared judgment and denial of others and herself. It literally had ZERO to do with her daughter.
As my client sat with that awareness, that the response she got was not at all personal, that her Mother wasn’t even really talking to her, she could let it go. She could see her Mom’s values of the external and how that showed up in her life, and she could understand her Mother’s fears as well, and in doing so, realize it truly had nothing to do with her, or her retreat experience, at all. Her Mother’s response was totally about her Mom.
Great reminder!!
Remember, relationships of all kinds are full of people operating from their habits, their values, and their fears. Seldom is what is said, or a reaction, about the actual situation. The vast majority of the time it is coming from a place of the unconscious habit-mind. Yes, sometimes the reactions are really hurtful and it can be hard to remember it’s not about us. Practice.
Practice from a place of the observer. Ask yourself, what did they just tell me about their values, and also about their fears? Perhaps it will provide a way to ease the conversation, or more directly go to the source of what is happening, and in the least, it can give you the opportunity to recognize that you are simply a mirror for them to reflect themselves into, it has nothing to do with YOU.
Others’ reactions and responses are about THEM, not us.
Forever the journey, Anne