Leaning on Inner Strength

It’s been weeks, literally, like four of them…no answers.  All I have are some educated guesses that don’t really make much sense, but no real answers.

My dear friend has been hospitalized for three weeks.

On this particular day, my girlfriends and I were on a Zoom call with her talking and laughing and telling big stories about our youth, and mostly just trying to take her mind off the fact that she had been hospitalized for weeks with symptoms, but no solutions…and no solutions in sight.

To be clear, this woman is my hero. She had been in quarantine when she entered the hospital, but felt totally fine, but tested positive for COVID and so couldn’t even have her husband come and see her. Did I mention she’s an extrovert? Yeah – this is dreadful for her! No one could be in her room for any more time than absolutely necessary. She was on a first name basis with the cleaning crew since they were in her room for the longest periods of time.  Her doctors met with her on the phone through the window into her room. I just can’t even make this up.  The entire time she felt like a million bucks, except she wasn’t allowed to leave her room or see anyone in person. I do not honestly know what I would do if someone locked me in a room for three weeks. It’s necessary, trust me on this one, but it would still make me crazy.  I introvert incredibly well, but I like my freedom.

She ranks way higher than any rock star, or pro athlete, or anything of the like in my book.  Gandhi may outrank her. Yep, he has to be up there in the ranks on this one.

“At first I didn’t mind it. It was a nice break.” she said. After all she felt totally normal, so it’s not like she was feeling sick and stuck in bed.

“I just keep reminding myself that God must have a plan”, she went on.  “I wish I knew what it was, but I trust there is one.”  Again – she’s my hero.

This incredible human who I have been honored to have as one of my longest and closest friends since Junior High teaches me so much in this situation.

She reminds me as I struggle with my own “How on earth will this work?”, “How do I make this happen”, “How am I supposed to be able to accomplish (fill in the blank)?” (more information on those blanks will come later this year), “w=What are they thinking when they do this shit?”. While my ego mind loves to believe it has control, I have zero…and I hate this. I’m a world that tries to make us believe if we get up and hassle we can do anything, we still have some serious limitations on what we can control.

Attitude is everything, and a true sense of inner purpose. My friend handles all of this with such faith and trust that there is a greater something going on. Here’s the deal; 98% of the time I do as well, but those other two percentage points kick my ass. I know there is a purpose to everything, even the stuff I don’t like. I realize sometimes I get what I’m asking for and then question if that is what I really want because I realize what will have to change in order to actually have it.  Be careful what you wish for.  But this woman’s faith makes me shake inside. I’m not jealous, I’m in awe. Her inner strength is seemingly unshakable.

Here’s the deal: we all have those days when we struggle, ones we honestly don’t know how to “accomplish “ in this world. But we also all have our sense of inner “on purpose”we are built with. Our inner strength helps us to do things we wouldn’t think possible, and do it with some grace.

My friend inspires me to not only hold space for her but for myself in those moments where my strength may be lagging. To remind me that I too have an inner strength, and friend, you are built from this cloth as well.

Love yourself, and lean into the fact that nothing is permanent. This too shall pass, and you are enough for whatever moments of struggle you face.

You have it inside you. ❤️

Forever the journey, Anne

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