I was sitting at coffee yesterday, with a client I’ve worked with the last few years in various capacities. That being both personal work, and business coaching. This time, it was to be a business conversation that quickly went the way of personal growth. Really, the sometimes struggles of personal growth.
See, when we are growing up, we’re given a story about who we’re supposed to be and how we’re supposed to be that. We adopt that story because, well, as children we really don’t know that we have a choice, and honestly, often times, really don’t. So, we learn to be who and how other people want and think we’re supposed to be, until one day, or one life crisis hits, or we wake up and find ourselves in the middle of what, on paper looks like a great life, but we’re miserable. The knock on the door is different for everyone. No two the same, just like each of us, totally unique. But for many, it comes, and we begin to question all the stories that we’ve adopted, and start to sort them out.
After a while of doing this, we start to develop a disillusion of “being done” with our growth and evolution. I hear people say things like, “but I’ve already worked through this!”, or “when will I even learn that lesson” , or “ I feel like I’ve been practicing that my whole life!”. Yeah, sometimes it’s a drag, for sure, and with that said, if you’ve been there, you know once your eyes open, there is no shutting them again. Once on the path of growth, there is no turning back. That’s both the good, and sometimes the not – so – good, news.
On this particular day the discomfort was not in her own growth, but how differently she had grown compared to her friends…yeah, that one. I think we’ve all been there, and if you haven’t yet, well, let’s talk about it so you know what it is when it comes…because it will.
Our “job” in this life, is to radiate our Divine light. To be our true self, our illuminated Spirit, to evolve our Soul, in our own totally unique and beautiful way. Now, let’s be clear, that looks totally different for EVERYONE. I’ve met some people who worked long and hard to tell me how Spiritual they are, how evolved they are. If you have to try to convince me, well, I’m not sure about that. And realize, there is a necessary place for everyone in our society while we’re all trying to figure it out. That not so nice person in your life, may just be your greatest teacher, and your Soul hired them to play that part in your life in order for you to get the lesson, and the spark, that you needed. Sometimes it looks kinda sketchy. For me too. You’re not alone. With all that said, what I’m really trying to get across is that we can’t judge anyone else for not being the way we are. Each individual has their own path to enlightenment, and enlightenment is different for each of us. There. now that’s done.
So, its hard when our evolution takes us a certain direction; we’re living our joy, we’re discovering and aligning to what lights us up and brings us joy and success. We’re groovin’!! Then, there is the day we’re hanging out with our old friends, and suddenly, we’ve never felt so alone. We’re hearing them talk about things we don’t care about. We’re watching them do behaviors we no longer align with (if we ever really did). We feel our bodies getting stressed, or tired, like the energy is leaking out our feet, and it hits us. These people…are not MY people. How the heck did that happen???! Theses are our friends! The people we celebrate with, cry with, play and party with. After all of these years, how can these people, not be my people? I’m telling you with all the love in the world, it happens, and it happens to almost everyone at some point. But, its still hard. Often times our initial reaction is one of almost panic, “what’s happening?!”, and sometimes we blame ourselves, “who do I think I am, to judge them?” Sometimes we do get judgy, “they’re just not as evolved as I am”. Be careful! Our ego is constantly looking for our superiority, because that is one of the ways it creates an illusion of safety. I’m better than you, so you’ll go before I will. It’s twisted, but remember it’s a concept created by the fear part of us that is willing to tell us anything in order to believe it will be safe, ie: alive.
Here’s the deal. We grow. Constantly. Whether we have awareness of it or not. Every time I hear someone say something like, “he’ll never change”, I think, oh, but he IS changing. Change is a constant. We can’t not change. Everyone changes, on a multitude of levels, continuously. All of us. As we grow and change, as we evolve, which to me just means we are putting intention, focus and awareness behind our changes, we recognize the changes in others. Which sometimes, doesn’t look like change, they look like they’re just staying the same. Let’s be clear, those people are changing too. They may not be changing as quickly, nor with the focus and intention you are changing with, but they too are constant change happening. Our cells die off and are recreated everyday. Our unconscious mind reboots our inner computer every 90 minutes roughly, so everyday, new cells that are being born, and doing so with new messages and new information. Its predesigned and there is no way out of it. The discomfort comes when we realize the people we used to align with, share dreams with, don’t fit us anymore. And really, that’s all it is. It’s not that we’re evolved and they’re not. It’s simply that they’ve gone a direction or at a rate of change, that doesn’t match ours.
It’s hard, it really is. To sit and realize that these people, who often times we love, don’t fit us anymore, is difficult. What to do, what to do??? Does that mean I can’t be friends with them anymore? Does that mean I can’t like them anymore? Does it mean that the family get-together will be miserable now and forever forward? What will they say when I stop showing up? What will they think? They’ll think I think I’m too good for them, then what? It’s troubling. Our mind takes off in a flurry.
Stay grounded. Breathe. You’re fine and so are they. Trust me there are ways through this. First of all, what have you assumed is true that might not be? Are you assuming they don’t get you, that they’re not interested in the same stuff, the same concepts, philosophies that you are? GIVE THEM A TRY. Too often WE are changing in hiding. We know we’ve changed and our deceptive mind tells us we need to keep it quiet. We long for like-minded people, but we don’t give those around us the chance to show that they’ve changed inside too. Remember, they may be inside themselves thinking and feeling just the way you are. Find out. Be the one that starts the weird conversation, just see what happens. I’ve challenged so many clients to this over time I can’t count them all. Most of them come back with positive stories. “My girlfriend looked at me like I was nuts. It took her two days, and then she called me back and told me she felt the same way, but didn’t know how everyone else would react”. People, I hear stories similar to that all the time. seriously, give them a chance.
Beyond that, be ready to care for yourself through the process. Sometimes it does mean we’re not friends with that person anymore, and that can be sad, but also necessary. If they suck the life out of you every time you’re with them, you need to reconsider your need to be with them. But Anne, what if it’s a family member????! Yep. Them too. maybe its about limiting your time. How long can you, perhaps for the sake of someone else (your kids, spouse, etc) be with that person, or those people before you just have to take a break? I remember facing this myself. A family member of my ex-husband who just drained me. Every time. And believe me, I tried. I came to realize I could be around this person for about 30 minutes before I just couldn’t anymore. So around that half hour mark, we’d leave, or I’d go out for a walk and invite others to go along, I’d move a conversation into another room and away from that person so I could reground myself and get some energy back. There are ways. Sometimes it’s about us realizing we’re attaching an agenda, a judgment to someone else, and we need to raise our awareness about that and start minding our own bobber. Not everyone needs to be just like us, for us to have a relationship with them. variety is GOOD! We need to consider that if the only people we associate with are those just like us, we’ve now developed another version of isolation, that only leads to more judgment and a smaller life. It’s not healthy! We become the judgy or controlling people we’re finger pointing at others for being. Bad. Don’t do that.
Sometimes though, it is the end. And there is just no other answer. Sometimes people are not meant for us for a lifetime. Sometimes we need to know when to call it, and be done. For whatever reasons, it just doesn’t serve anyone anymore. Be willing to do the hard stuff and be done. When a relationship becomes just plane toxic, move on. Its great to give it chances, and time, but sometimes we really do just need to stop contacting that person, and not have time when they contact us. Sometimes we even need to tell them what’s happening, and that’s REALLY HARD. Folks, we have to love ourselves enough to sometimes do the hard things. Sometimes Spirit asks us to stand up in ways we never thought we could, and then gives us the strength to do it. I’m not suggesting its easy. I’m saying sometimes there is just no other option. When people or a situation, relationship, etc. is absolutely not healthy for you, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually you need to leave it. Fortunately, that’s not all that often, but it does happen. Have love and grace for everyone involved and that includes yourself.
Hey, you’re great, but you’re not for everyone. We’re not meant to be for everyone. We’re meant to be for those that vibe along with us. Like attracts like, first law of attraction. Live it. Trust it. Go with it. Love yourself through the awareness that you’ve changed, that others have and are changing, and send grace to the change. Sometimes it comes back around and we reconnect on a different level. That’s great. Sometimes, that person just becomes part of our past. We can still love them, and not be an active part of their lives. It really can work that way.
Flow with it. Change is all there is, really. We are constant change happening, it’s the way we’re designed. Love where you’re at, send love to those around you, to those who have gone a different direction. No judgement. Just love. Don’t assume you’re right and they’re wrong, or that you’re better than they are. That’s not the way vibration works. We need people on every level, that’s true balance.
At the end of the time with my client, we both left with some really valuable reminders: We’re not for everyone, and that’s okay. And, we can appreciate people in our lives without them having to be our best friends and without us having to enjoy everything about them. Have a circle of people. Know what you need and how you need it, and respect others needs also. Just because they’re not yours, doesn’t make them wrong or meaningless. Know what you can do, and know where your line is.
Now, get out there and journey on.