Hitting a Wall and How I Walk Away From It

I really do try to keep my inner self together. I do yoga, meditate, convene with Mother Nature multiple times a week – even if it’s just gazing at a dried perennial in my garden while I breathe gently in and out. By and large, I do well. I believe my daily practice is what let’s me do what I do for others, everyday, and not run out of steam.

I love people, I truly do. I have friends ask me on a regular basis how I can make a living listening to other people’s problems. “Don’t you get sick of it?” “Doesn’t it drain you?”

No. And, no. I love people, and honestly have love and compassion for their life journey, whatever that is at the moment, and connect with them. I know people are truly trying their best, and that we all (myself included) need someone to help bump us into play, give us a new perspective, help us connect to our Divine messages and loved ones. We all need others on this journey, and I am without a doubt, honored to be a person that many others turn to for their “someone”. I am gifted with some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and lots of them have no idea how amazing they are. This is what I love the most – helping them peel back the layers of life and introducing them to their amazing.

With all of that said, I can’t lie, every once in a great while, I get tired. Like, I need a break, something fierce kind of tired. In my own best awareness, I don’t necessarily get tired, I get crabby! I get entitled, as in my job is more important than your job, kind of entitled. Like looking at my husband when he’s tired and feeling like he’s running the world and saying things like, “do you have any idea what my day has been like?!!” It’s totally off the planet self-pontificating kind of crabby entitled. I don’t even like myself at those moments!

Today, I got there. This COVID -19 thing has brought with it some gifts, I won’t lie about that. I love working remotely because it gets me closer to my life goal of being able to do what I love from anywhere I happen to want to be at any given moment or season. I appreciate it. I love Zoom game nights with our kids, wine nights with the girls, coffee mornings with the people who keep me excited about life. All that stuff while wearing yoga pants and a sweater is fan-fricken-tastic!

For about an hour today,I was not loving this life. I was tapped out. Part of my problem is when I hit that wall of “tapped out” I’m not smart enough to give in! I’m just plain dumb about it. I recommit myself to get going, be motivated, and to getting lots and lots of stuff done believing, and yes my big stupid ego has me convinced this will actually work to get me out of my “tapped out”. Well, I think we can all see it would be a huge mistake and a total waste of time and leave me feeling even more pressured, and tired of it all. And so, it does! Why is it I’m always surprised by this, but no one else ever is?

The really astonishing part is this does not happen in one day. This crud comes on for days, sometimes weeks, and then there is the straw and the camel and we all know where that tale ends up. But still, I fight it! Why? Because that’s what my ego does to me. Sometimes it is a jerk.

Well, today I must be particularly on top of things because today, I did it differently. {Insert applause here.} I’m clapping for myself, so don’t feel bad if you don’t choose to clap for me.

Today I got to a point, for a variety of reasons, but they’re really not important to the story, and I hit the proverbial wall. Like smack dab into it. My typical dialogue goes like this: just go do laundry, you should be writing, how about starting dinner, you know Clarence is going to expect dinner when he gets home, you’ve been here all day and only had a couple of clients (it’s my day off by the way) so you can at least have dinner on, get ahold of that person, get ahold of this person, take care of that arrangement, design this event. On and on and on. Yes, there are always dozens of things I should be doing instead of listening to my body and my Spirit. Yes, the “should” list is ever growing. Yes, my ego is relentless in its reminders about all I have yet to accomplish. Yes. I hear it inside my head. I heard it inside until my body literally felt like it was starting to vibrate.

But this time. This time, I said no. No, I’m not making that call right now. No, I’m not moving laundry around this instant. No, I’m not starting dinner (it was 2:30pm for Pete’s sake). No, I’m not planning that event right this instant. No, I’m not going to check email for the fifth time today. No.


And the little girl shut off her computer, put her phone on the dock in another room, kicked off her slippers, crawled onto the sofa with her snuggly wool blanket and went to sleep.

Well, not really SLEEP sleep, just rested kind of sleep, but it was amazing. Fifteen minutes in, my brain was running in circles. My Spirit said, “you need 20 more minutes”. And so, I did. From my haze a while later I thought “ I should get up” and my inner voice said, “roll over, just 10 more minutes”. When my body, mind, and emotions were finally ready to re-enter the world, 45 minutes had gone by. And, I was fine with it. I was calm, balanced, and felt ready to get back to whatever needed to be getting back to. The wall was nowhere in sight.

I didn’t have to do anything amazing. I didn’t have to reorganize my entire life to have 45 minutes. I just had to deem myself worthy of my own time and my own well-being. I had to listen to the words I’ve said a million times to other people about valuing themselves and listening to their bodies and their Spirit. I had to follow my own advice. I had to realize that if I’m not ok, I’m not ok for anyone else either. If I’m against the wall, there is no way I can pull anyone else away from it.

Apparently, I’m pretty smart, because it worked.

Now more than ever, our self-care matters. It matters like it’s never mattered before, and I’m not exaggerating. Amidst all the stress and fear right now we really have to listen to our bodies and what we truly need. How do we care for our inner selves when everything is pulling us outside into the stress of what’s happening in our world?

We stop. We put the outside world and perhaps our inside ego mind away for a while. We listen to the little girl that just needs a break. We walk away from the wall and sit down. We breathe, stretch, commune with nature, and may I say, a little nap goes a long way.

Blessings Galore, Anne

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