I am a people pleaser…kind of. I’m also a person who believes I get what I want if, and only if, I ask for it. So, when I found myself in a couple of situations as of late where I was uncomfortable about asking for what I needed, but knew I needed to, I did my usual; I sat, thought about how others involved were going to fee (fear projection, I had no idea how they would feel), I thought about how yucky I felt, ran it back and forth 100 times, wrung myself with stress in my not enough mind, and then thought “screw it, I have to ask”.
In our last September LampLighter group, Spirit made it very clear we were going to be challenged by our oldest, deepest habits, and to view them as nothing but that, habit. An old way of accomplishing something that used to take way more time so our minds developed this well worn path to get it done faster. Some work well, like brushing our teeth, or driving a car. Others, well, not as productive for us like my wrangling with myself about who’s comfort should be more important, mine or others.
I had to stop myself mid-angst and bring myself to a place of curiosity; why was this so hard for me to do? What was I afraid of, and who was I trusting to understand my needs? As it was, I was asking people who love me and want me to be not just happy, but sound. I know this about them, and so I trusted to ask for what I needed believing that they would not necessarily give me everything I wanted, but would consider me needs as important as their own.
So often when we’re stuck inside of ourselves with a “who is more important, me or them” situation we fail to stop and ask ourselves these super important questions. What is it exactly that I am asking for? Why is it important to my well being? Do I trust these people, this person, the situation to be mindful of me, as they are of themselves or it? If I don’t, then why do I care?
Too often we feel selfish (heavy on the “ish”) for asking for what we want or need, but just as often, we are our own worst enemy in the situation. We assume we are worthless, and then put that assumption onto those on the other side of the equation. Unless we ask, we can’t receive what we need. Unless we have awareness of our own driving factors and fears, we can not receive the value and validation we are craving in the first place.
We have to draw the line and ask before others can bend, but not break, to help provide for us and with us. I’m not talking about a 10 year old self centered, it’s all about me stuff. I’m talking sincerely “I have a need and it includes you so I need to bring you to the table” kind of adulting.
Be the one who moves first. Be willing to work together to create solutions. Yes, be willing. And be willing to draw a line that says “I can’t go any further in this direction” for your own wellbeing. You are enough to be an inconvenience. You are enough to bend for. You are enough to receive the love and validation you’re needing.
You are enough.
Forever the journey,