Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve gotten pretty good at being in the middle of some total crazy rant in my mind or having my emotional body all tied up in a knot, and realizing something is wrong. I’m pretty sure I’m a genius. On this particular day I was standing in my kitchen making breakfast when it occurred to me I was not feeling ok. And then it occurred to me I had not been feeling mentally/emotionally totally ok for days. Again, I’m a genius.
I don’t really know if it was the running of my thoughts or the tightness in my gut, not breathing, or what exactly it was, but suddenly things started feeling eerily familiar. It was like a blast from the past, but not the fun kind where you’re super happy surprised to run into someone you haven’t seen since high school and you look great and they just look ok. It was the other kind. The yucky familiar feeling kind that make you think “damn, I thought I was done with that shit”, but suddenly realize you must not be done, because there it is. Yep – that kind.
It started with three hours of sitting next to my ex-husband while we waited for our son to have his swearing in ceremony at MEPS a few weeks ago. It was not supposed to be three hours, it just ended up that way. Nothing happened out of the ordinary, it just hit me later and I found myself in an anxious state very reminiscent of our past together. For the most part he and I get along fine. We have a child together, so we’ve always tried to co-parent effectively and be decent to each other for our son’s sake. We sat together at swim meets , LAX games, teacher conferences, and Boy Scout ceremonies to name a few. By in large, we’re fine together. Apparently, too many hours with the two of us was too much for my cellular memory, because some yucky feelings came back. The weird part is I didn’t even realize it until a few more things got piled on top of them and then it hit me.
While briefing some notes for a committee meeting, I read the word “gaslighting”. I’d never heard it before, so I Googled it to read the definition. I believe everything happens for a reason, so I am reluctant to say looking up the definition was a mistake. There are no mistakes. Within minutes I was almost in tears and ready to rip someone’s head off all at the same time, which is an interesting combination I might say. My husband was nearby and I started talking to him. He said a few of the wrong things and headed off to bed, which was good for both of us.
The next morning there was one more incident I will keep to myself to avoid hurting someone’s feelings should it get back to them. I like this person, and I love the person that ties us together so I’m just going to say there is something about them that just rubbed me the wrong way and after my encounter with them, I put together what it was. It was how they treated me, and it seemed to remind me of my ex-husband (and not in a good way). There was no intention of this I am sure! It was strictly me and mine and me getting all tied up in a knot inside myself.
Clearly something wanted to get out!
I am a firm believer, again, of things happen for a reason, so I put myself to the task of being really, REALLY available to what was going on inside of me. Who and what in me needed my attention, and what support did she need and how could I be of good service to her.
Yes, I refer to myself in multiples as I also believe within each one of us there are all the versions of ourselves that we have been in the past, as well as those that we are becoming. It’s all in there in one sweet package just waiting to be explored. I do inner child work via guided imagery/hypnosis on a regular basis. Trust me, they’re all in there. In all of us, not just me, but everyone.
Yesterday I was doing a reading with a client and the Guides came through with a very definitive “it is a time for forgiveness” message. As they spoke, they outlined for this client specifically what it was about how to move it along. In addition, they let me know this is a time of forgiveness for everyone. The Spirits are asking us to release old and un-serving but right now on a level quite specific to particular issues and let me know that we will be consciously aware of the work we are being asked to do. Now, the downside is that may mean we are all walking around grumpy thinking our misery is someone else’s fault. Folks, this is a time for self-awareness!!! So, yeah, it took me a few days to get clear that something was up, and after my pep talk from Spirit the day before, in combination with the goings on with the word and the thing with the person, well, you get it. It was all up in my face.
This is a time for forgiveness. This is a time we are being asked to use our awareness of self, our triggers, beliefs about ourselves, values for how we experience our life and how others impact it (for the better or worse). It is time to hold all of that in awareness as Spirt works with us to let go of that which we have grown tired of inside. That which we are ready and able to let go of that depletes us, makes us feel “less than” or “not enough”. My loves, Spirit is here to guide us through the process, which will be different for each of us, I’m sure. What I do know, what the Guides made very clear, is they are helping us do our work. They are helping us unload the burden of our hearts, and this is good.
Good is not to be confused with comfortable. Regularly, think exercising or eating more veggies, what is good for us is not always comfortable. It takes consciousness. We must be awake and aware of what Spirit is putting in front of us. “The task” as they said, “is mighty, but we are here for you and within you, to guide. You are safe with us”. What this means is this is not a “get to it, and get it right” healing time. This is a “we’re working with you, we will take care of you, we’ll do the work part, just work with us”.
We can do it.
Forgiveness is not about forgiving others, this is about where we need to forgive ourselves for our part of whatever situation still hanging on inside. This is where we continue to hold up our defenses out of protection for our vulnerable selves. When we experience ourselves long term as the victim we cannot see ourselves for our part of things, and with that, we cannot move towards true forgiveness, as in full releasing, either.
Spirit says to us in this time, “we are here for you, and we will care for you, you are safe” and they mean it. This is a time for courage and for faith. Faith that our Guides will care for us, we will not fall so deeply into emotion that we can’t find our way back out. We will not feel so blamed that we hold ourselves in only blame. We are loved beyond anything humanly possible and that love will hold us, nurture us, and set us free.
I am creating time to give myself to these feelings which have been coming to the surface. I am doing my best to stand in gratitude for my awareness of them coming to the surface and I am being very intentional with Spirit about lending myself in Faith to them so this can move and go.
With my client, we made space and ritual to be completed by them over the next couple weeks. This energy will be with us until Solstice. We’re going to be sitting with it for a few weeks, so let’s play along. Allow yourself time to sit, to feel. Really feel, deep down inside yourself. Be totally available to your emotional body. Send love to your emotional body, send forgiveness for all that you have been at your best, and your weakest. Our ego-mind takes our perceived weaknesses and turns them into self-blame. The ego stories are not the truth. Go deeper. Get uncomfortable. Let Spirit move you to the releasing your heart yearns for. One step takes us to the next. Self-forgiveness can move us closer to forgiving others but make no mistake this is not the goal right now. Spirit’s desire for us right now is to release the places deep inside that are beyond our usual recognition. The places we hold ourselves in question, in blame, in shame. The places asking for us to forgive.
I encourage you to open yourself to Spirit’s work at this time. If they’re willing to do the work for us, let’s allow it. You don’t need the old stuff anyway.
Blessings Galore, Anne