I saw the text come back within minutes and casually picked up my phone to respond…. The message however was nothing I could have expected.
My soul mate friend was dead. Gone. I simply reached out to wish him a happy birthday and his daughter responded telling me her Dad, my dear friend had passed away the day before… on Valentines Day. So fitting.
He was the love of the world. Everyone and everything had something good about them. Every place, every situation was something to learn from and be interested in. He loved like a dive into the deep end of the pool, he held nothing back. Fully present, soulful and trusting. In so many ways he had a child’s heart in this world; unencumbered, curious and excited just to get to know you. He loved fully, and everyone who knew him, myself included, felt that- as close as I have ever encountered- unconditional love.
To be clear; he was not a push over. He had boundaries on how he would and would not be treated. I had seen him more than once walk out of a relationship; friendship, business, acquaintance, lover, due to being repeatedly disrespected. His heart broke as much as any heart he may have broken. Was he perfect? No. But that should never be the standard for, or excuse to mistreat, anyone… ever. None of us are perfect. We don’t have all the “right” answers, and realizing that is wisdom in itself.
Let’s go back;
I was raised in what I have often referred to as a “hard household.” My Mother was loving and kind, a bit afraid, and could be judgmental. My father was harsh and unpredictable, unless he wasn’t. The hard part was that we never knew in advance who we would be faced with. That left me with the childhood impression that love had to be earned, and was highly conditional.
Years later, after a chance meeting in an airport (true story) I fell in love with my dear friend and learned what it meant to be loved without conditions or having to earn my way to acceptance and approval. I had no idea what to do, so like many in unfamiliar territory I tested it, failed a couple of times and then slowly learned that I was worthy of consistent love.
While our romantic relationship only lasted a few years, they were incredible years of learning to let go and trust that I would be loved, even when I made mistakes, or got scared, or forgot to consider him, or whatever the situation was. It was a constant and supportive learning environment, and one I will never forget.
We use the term “unconditional love.”
I have heard clients say again and again, “there is no such thing as unconditional love.” I disagree and here is why;
We can love someone and still have boundaries. Healthy boundaries protect and care for everyone involved whether they are able to realize it, or not. Having healthy boundaries does NOT mean you don’t love someone. When used appropriately, healthy boundaries support unconditional love by giving it a voice, an ability to be seen and heard and recognized regardless of whether we “understand” the other person’s perspective or not.
Recently I had a text conversation with a client who hurt someone’s feelings and didn’t understand why she should apologize. “I didn’t do anything wrong,” she responded. It was a misunderstanding. What she said and what she meant were two different things.
How many times have you encountered THAT one????? Myself – far too many to count.
When we hurt someone’s feelings we must seek to understand their perspective, not just expect them to see ours. We can be sorry for a misunderstanding whether we fully understand it or not. We must be aware of the hurt we caused, whether or not it was our intention. We can hold a space of unconditional love.
Holding a space of openness, an environment that says ‘I am willing to see and hear you whether I agree, or understand or not,’ creates a place for unconditional love to settle in.
When we do hard things together, when we bare our hearts to another trusted human and are held with security, love strengthens its bonds even in struggle.
Unconditional love is not saying YES to everything. It is not denying ourselves constantly so that others will stay with us. It is not placating people so that they will not leave us, or living without standards of how we need to be treated and interacted with in a relationship. That is not unconditional love.
Unconditional love is in behaviors and relationship environments that tell us that even if we disagree, I still love you. If you disrespect me I will tell you what I took away from that event so that we can do better together. Sometimes unconditional love is telling someone good-bye because they mistreat us, but that doesn’t mean we necessarily stop loving them. You can indeed love someone AND have healthy boundaries around how you will be treated, or the relationship environment that is currently available.
We can indeed hold space for love without “conditions,” and still hold standards of how we will be treated. Unconditional love is not tolerating whatever someone wants to dish out, it is loving them while you let them find their way out of your life, or to another place of importance or trust within your life.
The lessons learned in the years of loving my friend are vast and varied and honestly would take me years to describe. I am so grateful I took the opportunities to tell him over the years how much he meant to me in our time together, and our loving friendship remained. We adored each other. While our relationships changed over time, the space of unconditional love remained and will continue to.
Some things to think about.
Forever the journey, Anne