Breaking Through

My mind’s running away with me as much as I am when I leave for my personal retreat time. I pack the day beforeI leave, but it never fails that I am running around in the morning thinking of every last thing I might want or need should I find myself with a certain time and the desire to do a particular thing. So, I  perpetually over-pack. This is just a given. I plan three times as much to do as I could ever possibly do.

When I get behind the wheel and hit the outskirts of town, my mind is reeling with “what did I forget?” and “what time will I be half way, where do I want to stop along the way, when will I arrive, what do I need to do first when I get there”, etc., etc., etc.

Then, ease sets in.  I relax into the drive, start to enjoy my freedom and become filled with the most amazing sense of running away from home. It feels like I just escaped from captivity and the world is mine!!!  I start to enjoy the scenery and my mind just begins to wander and notice and wander and notice. It’s amazing.

About three quarters of the way, something happens that I will never quite understand. I cry. I stop somewhere, usually by water, take a break to stretch my legs and every single time, I cry. It’s like a year’s worth of stress just rolls out of my eyes at once. It doesn’t last long, a few minutes, but it never fails. I think by now it’s just part of my unconscious mind’s pattering around leaving; at some point we’re gonna cry out the pressure, and then we’re all set to go. And that is exactly what happens. I cry, like really cry, but only for a few minutes. All the pressure of being someone’s something in life floods the banks, washes away and I’m clean again. It’s weird and kind of beautiful.

This time of tears is a great release and I believe at the exact same time a great reconnecting to myself. A teacher of mine once said, “tears are just the Soul’s way of clearing off the windshield”, and I believe this is true. On the other side of those tears is totally acceptance and relaxation. I am where I am, and I am ok just as I am. It’s kind of lovely.

The rest of the trip I feel calm, and connected to myself in ways that my day to day life often doesn’t allow much of. Life becomes completely about what I want. What do I want to do, where do I want to go, eat, see, etc. It becomes all about me in a way that I need on occasion. I don’t feel selfish, I feel fed, nurtured, recognized, attended to. Yes, I have lots of people who love and care for me. I am blessed in that regard, but at the end of the day, I am the person whose attentiveness I crave most. Like most people, by the end of our day, there just isn’t a lot left to give, and so we come in last way too often.

I love my personal retreat time, even when it’s short, like this year, but it’s still so necessary. Sure, I do self care on a regular basis, but like most, not as often, nor to the extent that my body, mind, and spirit would like. So, this is my time. I drive, I cry, I relax. It’s a bit crazy, but I have never claimed to be “normal”. It’s overrated and mostly undesirable to me, so I’m good without it.

What I desire most is the time to break down, break through and find myself on the other side.

Forever the Journey,

Leave a Reply