Which wolf do I honor?
Her story ripped through me like a tornado, devastating everything in its path.
My friend’s dear colleague had lost her spouse, suddenly, very unexpectedly just a couple of months before they saw one another at a work conference hosting about 200 of the area’s brightest and boldest women.
The widow, (we will call her Susan), in her 40’s, two young children and a very demanding career, was left to figure a new, undesired, life out on her own. At this time, the conference was her first experience stepping back into her career space. She did so tentatively as to not be overwhelmed, and also not certain how she would be approached and received as some had heard about her loss, others not. Periodically throughout the day, my friend saw Susan step away and come back with tears still in her eyes, but composed. She was struggling, understandably.
As the day rolled on, a speaker, without any intention of doing so, struck a place deep within Susan’s heart, and without warning or ability to control it, she started crying in the back of the conference room. Seeing her, my friend went to her and wrapped Susan in her arms, holding her to give her space to experience her emotions.
A few women gathered around Susan to offer support and as a few minutes went on Susan began to speak about the hurt, the challenges, the overwhelm she was feeling in her life, the loss, anger, right along side the need to get back to work, pay bills, step up for her colleague team, all of the things that life demands. My friend, as a great coach and mentor, simply said, “I would offer you the space to soften into your experience, to honor yourself.”
Nearby, another woman, a “boss” role to this circle of women, charged over, opened the circle and stated, “she doesn’t NEED to soften, SHE is a WARRIOR. She’s got this.” and took Susan by the arm and walked her away giving her instructions of how she needs to be for her team and the event at hand…
Disgusting.
Infuriating!
As women, how often are we expected to hide our emotions so that we can be “productive”?
How often are our emotions disregarded so that we can BE what someone or some situation wants us to be?
How many times are we expected to abandon our inner selves and our own needs to meet the immediate wants, delivered as needs, of others?
How often is our softness hidden behind an exterior that tells us our feelings are so inconvenient?
And how often are these messages delivered, by other women?
I would imagine you have all heard the story of the two wolves that live inside of you, one light the other dark, and the ongoing mindfulness of which wolf are we feeding. In this story, the two wolves are that of “being the warrior” or “softening into our feelings.” Similar resolution. Life is constantly telling us we are warriors; be tough, be strong, do it yourself, don’t need anyone, climb like the men, never let them see you feeling… anything. Persevere. Dig in. Make sure everyone is inspired by you, which too often means don’t ever let your “weakness” show.
Why do we define it as weakness when we are letting our true feelings come to the surface? Why do we so often sneak away, or hold it all in until we get home and can call a friend, and break down? Why do we think of emoting as breaking down?
On the other side lives another wolf: a nurturer, a feeler, a sensory being, softening into the world. Naming herself, and giving permission for others to claim their own space alongside her. Honoring life, the seasons, the experiences with a kindredship that simply says, “I see you. Just as you are.”
I am writing this sitting on my sofa at the lake. Our yard holds dozens of giant white and red pines. They sway back and forth, bending but not breaking, in the wind. I am reminded of this second stated woman wolf. The strength it takes to be vulnerable to the world we live in, the experiences that life brings us, and the support that comes from others around us who are also living in the openness of the wind.
This is the Divine feminine. Open. Vulnerable. Strong through flexibility and resilience that comes from being surrounded by others like us. Here there is room to love, to support, to encourage, to hold hands and hearts and one another as we need, and to receive all that we give out.
In this season of tremendous expansion, let us remember the wolf that is softening, opening and available. Man or woman, the polarity of what once was the norm and what is so necessary for our expansion now, is seen and felt moment to moment, day to day.
It’s easy to forget that Warriors too need a break to rest, eat and tend to their wounds. Even warriors need others at their side… so maybe we need to rethink our words, and how we hold space with and next to one another.
What wolf are you feeding?
Forever the journey, Anne